I think I am starting to realize how bad I am at relationships. Not like intimate relationships (I'm a long ways away from those), but like friendships and bonds. I think I push people away. I think my identity is wrapped up in my abuse, my eating disorder, all of my issues. I don't know what else to talk about. I'm a needy person. People that have been there for me in my past, some for years and years, feel like they have distanced themselves from me. I think I am unintentionally pushing them away. But it's my own doing. I've never had a super close friendship. I don't know how to maintain one. I don't know how to have a normal conversation sometimes. I don't know how to be me, without my problems. 

This all makes me feel really lonely. My therapis, who means the world to me, who is my rock, is always there for me when she is able. But mostly out of obligation right? Same thing with my dietitian, who I have known for 11 years. But if you took away the professional side of it, would they push me away too? I'm crying thinking of that feeling....of having no one. I've felt lonely my entire life, and tonight I feel ten times lonelier than I ever thought possible. 

I'm ashamed that I push people away. I try so hard to be a good person and be a good friend and be loving and caring. I hate saying bad things about people and I rarely ever do. I just want to a friend to people like so many have been to me.