Recovery: Getting Personal

Recently, I acknowledged my 10 year anniversary of entering my first stay at Remuda Ranch, and thus entering the recovery process. While I did not maintain recovery all of those years, I did know what recovery meant. Nearly 3 years ago, I entered Remuda Ranch for the second time, and since then (with the exception of a couple of minor relapses) I have maintained recovery. I think finally acknowledging and realizing the reason behind my eating disorder and the purpose it served me was a huge part in achieving the status of near recovered that I am at now. I also attribute my amazing therapist, dietitian, and psychiatrist to my success.

While eating disorder recovery has been an arduous journey and still an on-going one (I still battle body image and restricting at times), my biggest battle these days is recovery from my trauma. I suffered early child hood trauma as a 4 year old, again as an 11 year old, and once more as an adult, at age 22. I have only been in trauma therapy for a little over a year, yet my life has improved dramatically. However, the  pain and suffering that trauma brings can sometimes overshadow that. But I have been blessed with the most amazing and capable therapist who is seeing me through this pain and who I trust more than anyone I have ever known.

I can talk about all of the things that make trauma and trauma recovery so hard. But it's such a personal journey, one that I share only with my treatment team and close friends and support system, and those who have been through similar experiences. I am not ashamed of my past and what happened to me. But it's not as easy to talk about or describe as an eating disorder. The hardest part for me has been the loneliness, and the grief and sadness. There just are not enough proper words to explain it.

A year ago, I had mapped out a suicide plan. And Thursday will mark 1 year since I attempted suicide and almost lost my life. It's pretty amazing how far I have come since then. I still battle depression and anxiety, but it doesn't control me like it used to, at least not every day. It has not gone away. It still lingers. But I no longer want to die. I have hope for a life full of those moments, people, places, and things that I have always dreamed for.

Blogging is difficult for me. It didn't used to be. But recovering from trauma, like I said, is not something that is easy to talk about or explain. I share my story because I don't want others to feel alone such as I have literally all of my life. But I will try to blog more. For myself, and for others.