It sucks suffering from depression and/or sadness. I feel like for me it's always been one or the other. Right now I feel like I'm battling both and it absolutely sucks.
The depression is most likely a side effect of my surgery and also the time of year, which is full of bad memories and bad anniversaries. It's not unexpected, but it doesn't feel good. It feels awful actually. I want to lay in bed all day. I want to take extra Xanax or a pain pill to escape from my feelings, but I don't. I do what I've always been told to do, to push through the depression. Most of the time I do and I end up okay.
As for the sadness, it's all related to my trauma. I'm grieving what happened to me when I was 4 years old. It sucks. I didn't know it was possible to be so sad. My therapist is amazing at getting me through this. She is my rock. She doesn't mind that I sometimes email her 3 times in 24 hours because I just feel panicked about all of my feelings and I don't know what to do with them but sit with them. Most of the time I can't describe it in words. What it is, is a heavy pain on my chest that has a constant ache and it's the most terrible feeling.
I don't think anything specifically can make it go away. It just takes time, and hopefully it will heal. I mean, I know it will heal. But sometimes I just can't see through the sadness.
As a result of the sadness, I end up feeling an insane amount of loneliness. Which just makes my chest ache even more. Night time is the worst, and my coping skill as of late has been bingeing. It's hard not to feel ashamed and disgusted at myself. I know it's a comforting coping skill for me and that's why I do it. Because I lack so much comfort in my life. I see my dietitian tomorrow, thank goodness, because I want the bingeing to stop.
That's all, for now.
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