Overflowing

I feel like the most worthless, un-talented, hopeless, loneliest individual in the world. I struggle daily to feel confident at my job. Some days I think I am doing great and I get praise for it. Other days I feel like I don't say the right things and I am setting these kids up to fail. I feel so intimidated by the other coaches around me who are so capable and confident, or at least come across that way.

Loneliness is eating away at my heart. It's hard to enough to state my needs to other people, like simply asking my therapist for a hug. But outside of her, I don't have people in my life that I feel I can ask them for a hug. I don't have anyone close to me like that. Being friendless is something I am familiar with, but by no means am I used to it. It hurts more and more as the years go by.

I feel like the "best years of my life" have already passed. They were the years I was a gymnast and I felt accomplished, confident, happy, and loved. But injury took away the sport that had my heart, and my heart was broken. I feel like I will never be as good at anything as I was at gymnastics, and I feel like the rest of my life will just be the same as it has been for years now.

I can hear my therapist saying, "this is your depression talking to you". And she may be right. But to feel all of the above, and more, just about kills me. Driving home from work today I was in tears, but holding them back too because it felt like too much. Several times I drove through a green light at an intersection and wished for another driver to run a red light and hit my car. The only thing I really want to do it sleep all of the time.

I do not wish to die. I just wish to escape the pain and stress in my life. It's so much. It hurts so badly. And very few people in my life know about it and understand it.

I am becoming insecure talking to my online community of support about my issues. It's really the same things it has always been. I fear that I am boring them, or burdening them. I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry you are feeling that way". I am tired of people telling me that God will solve all of my problems if I just reach out to him. I don't need God to show up, I need ME to show up.

I still struggle on a mostly day to day basis with food and getting the right amount of calories in. Yet my weight is stable and has been. I am so sick of eating disorders that it makes me want to punch a glass window. I'm sick of the ruin they cause not only in my life, but in so many of my friends lives. I'm sick of how they make me feel like a selfish and jealous person.

Learning how to provide care and nurture to myself is an ongoing journey, that at times feels hopeless and more than I am capable of.

Lastly, I am so sick of being scared of good things happening. I am about to make a really positive change in my life in regards to work, and I am excited. But I am also terrified and fear that it will push away the people in my life I need the most. Good equals abandonment to me. My therapist does an excellent job at telling me that good equal positive attention and does not mean she or anyone else will abandon me. Why will I not allow myself to praise myself for good changes and positive moments? When will this change? Why does good feel so bad?

I don't know much about anything I just wrote, just that it hurts. And I am scared.

the talk

Ugh, so I had that "talk" in therapy this morning. "Holly, do you need to be in the hospital?" "No" was my answer and "no" is the truth. Yes, I have been significantly depressed the past few weeks, and yes it is interfering with my life. But I am not suicidal. I do feel at the end of my rope with all of these feelings that overwhelm me on a day to day basis. But I always survive them, even if it means having a panic attack or taking a 4 hour nap to escape them. 

I do have a lot going on. It is Winter, which is the most horrible time of the year. A friend and mentor in recovery has relapsed and is back in treatment and it has upset me more than I expected. I am finding it hard to find joy at work and I feel I am under extreme stress. I am struggling with my faith and my worth. I am struggling with my sexuality. I am struggling with anxiety and panic attacks.

My therapist reminded me multiple times in our session that I am worthy and capable of great things. That even though I have spent the past 20 years wrapped up in my illness and past, I am capable of moving on to a life filled with joy and peace and love. It's easy to take that in and hear that, but hard to believe it. 20 years is a long time to feel so many awful things about myself and have so many awful things happen to me. Moving on to "the other side" will not happen over night. And I get impatient about that. 

I am still struggling with taking my antidepressant on a regular basis. It scares me and bothers me, but I know I need to do it. I shook hands with my therapist today, promising to contact her if I felt like hurting myself, killing myself. Like I said before, I have no thoughts or intentions of doing either. But I made that promise just in case.

I still continue to wake up everyday and get to work. I try my best to eat well. It might take me longer to get to household chores, but I still do them. Somehow, I am getting through this. 

panic attack

I had my second panic attack in 3 days just now. It’s awful. Fuck. I’m tired of using medication to calm myself down and stay sane. I have too many fucking emotions lately and it’s obviously causing me to panic. And I feel so damn lonely in it. Like all of my support people (non treatment team) are there, but I’m short on words and I just feel really lonely and scared and by myself.

I want it to be Spring. So I can sit on my back porch and feel the wind and sun on my face and take deep breaths of the warm air.

I don’t know if I believe in God anymore and that scares the shit out of me.

I don’t know. I’m so lost.