panic attack

I had my second panic attack in 3 days just now. It’s awful. Fuck. I’m tired of using medication to calm myself down and stay sane. I have too many fucking emotions lately and it’s obviously causing me to panic. And I feel so damn lonely in it. Like all of my support people (non treatment team) are there, but I’m short on words and I just feel really lonely and scared and by myself.

I want it to be Spring. So I can sit on my back porch and feel the wind and sun on my face and take deep breaths of the warm air.

I don’t know if I believe in God anymore and that scares the shit out of me.

I don’t know. I’m so lost.