the talk

Ugh, so I had that "talk" in therapy this morning. "Holly, do you need to be in the hospital?" "No" was my answer and "no" is the truth. Yes, I have been significantly depressed the past few weeks, and yes it is interfering with my life. But I am not suicidal. I do feel at the end of my rope with all of these feelings that overwhelm me on a day to day basis. But I always survive them, even if it means having a panic attack or taking a 4 hour nap to escape them. 

I do have a lot going on. It is Winter, which is the most horrible time of the year. A friend and mentor in recovery has relapsed and is back in treatment and it has upset me more than I expected. I am finding it hard to find joy at work and I feel I am under extreme stress. I am struggling with my faith and my worth. I am struggling with my sexuality. I am struggling with anxiety and panic attacks.

My therapist reminded me multiple times in our session that I am worthy and capable of great things. That even though I have spent the past 20 years wrapped up in my illness and past, I am capable of moving on to a life filled with joy and peace and love. It's easy to take that in and hear that, but hard to believe it. 20 years is a long time to feel so many awful things about myself and have so many awful things happen to me. Moving on to "the other side" will not happen over night. And I get impatient about that. 

I am still struggling with taking my antidepressant on a regular basis. It scares me and bothers me, but I know I need to do it. I shook hands with my therapist today, promising to contact her if I felt like hurting myself, killing myself. Like I said before, I have no thoughts or intentions of doing either. But I made that promise just in case.

I still continue to wake up everyday and get to work. I try my best to eat well. It might take me longer to get to household chores, but I still do them. Somehow, I am getting through this.