Friday, February 14, 2014
Overflowing
I feel like the most worthless, un-talented, hopeless, loneliest individual in the world. I struggle daily to feel confident at my job. Some days I think I am doing great and I get praise for it. Other days I feel like I don't say the right things and I am setting these kids up to fail. I feel so intimidated by the other coaches around me who are so capable and confident, or at least come across that way.
Loneliness is eating away at my heart. It's hard to enough to state my needs to other people, like simply asking my therapist for a hug. But outside of her, I don't have people in my life that I feel I can ask them for a hug. I don't have anyone close to me like that. Being friendless is something I am familiar with, but by no means am I used to it. It hurts more and more as the years go by.
I feel like the "best years of my life" have already passed. They were the years I was a gymnast and I felt accomplished, confident, happy, and loved. But injury took away the sport that had my heart, and my heart was broken. I feel like I will never be as good at anything as I was at gymnastics, and I feel like the rest of my life will just be the same as it has been for years now.
I can hear my therapist saying, "this is your depression talking to you". And she may be right. But to feel all of the above, and more, just about kills me. Driving home from work today I was in tears, but holding them back too because it felt like too much. Several times I drove through a green light at an intersection and wished for another driver to run a red light and hit my car. The only thing I really want to do it sleep all of the time.
I do not wish to die. I just wish to escape the pain and stress in my life. It's so much. It hurts so badly. And very few people in my life know about it and understand it.
I am becoming insecure talking to my online community of support about my issues. It's really the same things it has always been. I fear that I am boring them, or burdening them. I'm tired of hearing "I'm sorry you are feeling that way". I am tired of people telling me that God will solve all of my problems if I just reach out to him. I don't need God to show up, I need ME to show up.
I still struggle on a mostly day to day basis with food and getting the right amount of calories in. Yet my weight is stable and has been. I am so sick of eating disorders that it makes me want to punch a glass window. I'm sick of the ruin they cause not only in my life, but in so many of my friends lives. I'm sick of how they make me feel like a selfish and jealous person.
Learning how to provide care and nurture to myself is an ongoing journey, that at times feels hopeless and more than I am capable of.
Lastly, I am so sick of being scared of good things happening. I am about to make a really positive change in my life in regards to work, and I am excited. But I am also terrified and fear that it will push away the people in my life I need the most. Good equals abandonment to me. My therapist does an excellent job at telling me that good equal positive attention and does not mean she or anyone else will abandon me. Why will I not allow myself to praise myself for good changes and positive moments? When will this change? Why does good feel so bad?
I don't know much about anything I just wrote, just that it hurts. And I am scared.
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It does sound like the depression coming through and doing most of the talking in this post, but I understand. I feel personally, well the depression IS me, so don't tell me it's the depression, because it's how I feel. But I guess the point in realizing that it IS the depression talking, is realizing that the depression does fade (sometimes) and that you sometimes DO feel normal, maybe even happy, and realizing that is so important. Well, hopefully important enough to get you through these bad times.
ReplyDeleteYou feel friendless, and you're searching for support, but you don't feel like the support you are getting from people is helpful....what do you think you need to hear from people, Holly? It's a tough situation, for you and for the people who care about you, because neither of you know what will help or what is best.
I can relate to most of what you're talking about, the lack of confidence, feeling like things won't or can't be as good as they were at one point. I find it helpful to just not allow myself to think about the past (it takes effort). Maybe make a list of the things you know you can do well? I just started a new position at my job (serving instead of hosting) and I feel like I'm TERRIBLE at it, but even though I feel that way, I have to act like I know what the hell I'm doing. I think that gaining confidence, getting through depression...a lot of that is just pretending until we actually feel the way we're pretending the feel. I know that sounds horrible, but that's how I pull through my depression most of the time. Same with my eating issues, I don't want them to be issues and so even though I "feel" fat, I just eat my meals because I want to be recovered and even though I feel as though I'm not recovered, I'm going to keep doing the things that lead to recovery.
I don't know if any of that was helpful, but I guess I'm just saying, don't give up Holly. I find this song to be empowering: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UfBOeu9m64E
I can relate to so much of what you wrote also! Friendless and so empty of confidence, ugh. Just by writing you are making great growth by being real and honest and feeling. It is about assesing your needs (ewww I hate to say I have needs) and getting them met more often than not. I am still not there either, but I am begining to see that all the years I spent trying to "white knuckle it" into recovery was not productive. For me, I spent so much time trying to be strong that I really forgot how to be weak, how to be real, and how to feel anything other than embarrassed and a failure.
ReplyDeleteGod is always there, and whether you feel it or not, He's wrapping His arms around you and whispering how much He loves you.