I'm scared that I will never get rid of the horrible body memories that are wreaking havoc on my life.
I am scared that I will be trapped inside the abused body forever.
I am afraid that no one will find a way to make them lessen or go away.
I am afraid it will interfere with my future relationships.
I am afraid I will never be able to reclaim my body as my own, and not an object that someone can use however they want.
I am afraid that I will never know safety inside my body.
I am afraid I will never love my body.
I am afraid I will never feel connected to my body in a safe way.
I am afraid to continue what I'm doing in therapy, yet afraid to take a step back.
Today's events truly concern me pertaining to my trauma recovery. Perhaps I am overreacting, but it feels like my hope in my recovery is being pulled away. I used bulimic behaviors today for the first time in over a year. It was a slip. It won't happen again. While I did slip up, I was reminded by a friend that I also made a lot of good choices today. I reached out for help, I allowed myself to cry and feel my feelings. I spent an hour tonight in my friend's car talking it out, and it helped clear my head. I am reassuring myself that my therapist is still very much here and present.
I need to rest, my mind and my body. I need to increase my self care. I can't let the fear take over.
Hey Holly, I know it's scary slipping up and using a behavior, but it's really great that you did reach out for help and that you're honest with yourself. I think it's also really good to recognize all of these fears you have. I just wanted to let you know that I do believe it's possible to not be afraid of ALL of those things FOREVER. True, some of them might stay around for a long time, but I do think that over time you can heal fully. I also wanted to let you know that I have shared all of those same fears with you. I still do not love my body by any means, but I'm able to accept it more than I ever have. Also, as you know, I've been raped and been in abuse relationships, but I am able to trust my fiance with my body and I'm able to let HIM love me and take care of me, even if I'm not always able to do so. Just stick in there, darling. You had a slip yesterday, but that doesn't mean you will today. My anxiety was so high yesterday and it felt like it would never go away, but I just had to remind myself that it would pass. These negative feelings, they pass, they will not last forever. Take care <3
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