I probably had one of the most intense, productive and healing therapy sessions I've ever had. I have a lot of abandonment issues that stem from my childhood as well as an incompetent therapist I had for several years who ended up dumping me. My current therapist is going out of town for the next two weeks, and I'm really afraid of that. I also have attachment issues that came out last time my therapist was out of town. When she came back into town it literally felt like a bomb blew up in my face. I reverted back to my child like ways and my hurt child state. The issue was resolved pretty quickly, but I do still remember it in the back of my mind. I spent most of my therapy session today in tears. Which is a big deal for me. I can cry alone in my room where no one can see me or hear me, but crying in front of people is a whole other deal. But I let go in therapy today and it was healing. My therapist offered a lot of reassurance and we made a plan for myself while she will be away. I will be seeing another therapist in her office, who used to work at Remuda, and whom I see whenever my therapist is out of town for an extended period of time. I also have a scheduled appointment with my psychiatrist and most likely will be seeing my dietitian too. My therapist reminded me that I have a circle of people who are there for me. She also wants me to keep a list of "joy points" while she is gone so I have good things to record instead of just bad things. My therapist will also try to check in when she can with me.
She is going to be on the other side of the country and I appreciate SO much that she is willing to do that.

We also had a discussion today about how when things seem to be resolving in my life, or I guess just getting better (trauma, eating disorders), I freak out and feel like my life is over. I've dealt with depression and anxiety since I was 4-5 years old, and other issues have followed. The thought of life without those things, however miserable they may be, is scary. My therapist stated that it's a really scary thing and it's really difficult. She's right.

I see my therapist again on Thursday, and then she leaves for 2 weeks. I have faith that I will be okay while she is gone, but I still am fearful. We'll see how it goes.

Maybe it's just that my head is foggy because my dog died yesterday. Maybe because it's Friday and I'm emotionally spent. Maybe because I'm very anxious and scared about my therapist being gone for two weeks.

But I feel full of hopelessness and confusion. I feel like I'm going to die. I don't know how and I don't know when, or if at all. It's just what I feel. I don't feel safe. I'm scared someone could hurt me at any moment. I'm not suicidal. But I do think about death. I do think about hurting myself, it comes and it goes.  I think maybe dying young is what's in my future. My future, one of the scariest things to think about. It feels hopeless and empty. I don't see my life progressing any more than it already has. I have always felt that I will be stuck inside this life of mental health issues and chaos. No that's not what I want. But I don't know what else could be out there that I'm meant for.  When my dog died, I wished that I could have gone with her.

I feel like I'm in this empty room, but it's full of noise. Thoughts, memories, sounds, smells, voices, music, et. I'm incapable of escaping. It fills my chest with panic. I feel like this a lot of the time. In the middle of the room is a black cloud where all of the abuse happens. It never goes away. And I'm alone in it.

I feel this need and ache to hold onto someone or something that won't pull away, that won't let go. Something that will hold onto me too and won't leave unless I ask it to. It feels like someone is squeezing my heart or pulling on it. It's the deepest, saddest feeling I have ever experienced. The sinking feeling I get that I am not enough but too much is all a part of it.

I feel tremendous anxiety when I think of myself. I want to become someone new. I loathe who I am and what I look like. I frustrate and anger myself.

I keep thinking the pain and anguish of my abuse is fading away, but on some days it comes flooding back and knocks me down hard. How will I ever not feel so much pain and sadness? It feels like it will take a lifetime to let it go.

Ugh, this could be an epic post.

Well I will start with how therapy went today. I was angry going into the session, because she had communicated with my dietitian and they were both "very concerned" about me. I shared with her my anger and frustration and I was able to explain to her what really has been going on. And that the main reason I had such a hard time eating was because of stress and being shut down emotionally. I told her I have been eating so, so much better in the past couple of days. And she said she was just glad I was taking care of myself better.
We talked more about my anger and it got really frustrating because I knew what I was angry about, but I couldn't express it to her. I didn't have the words. She asked if I could draw it or give it a color, but I couldn't do that either. So she had me stand up and press on her hands, (like I've done many times before to release negative energy) and I just pushed so, so hard. And she kept reminding me to breathe and I did and eventually it passed. But afterwards my entire body went numb and it was super scary. I tried to get grounded but it wasn't working. Eventually my therapist got me grounded again, but then I started to cry, mostly because it was such a scary experience. She suggested I go home and journal but I just didn't want to think about it.

I've been numbing myself a lot lately. Which is weird because I HATE being numb. But I feel like it's been sort of a self-protection skill for me. It feels weird and I don't feel myself, but I can function better that way.

Today I found out my sweet precious and loving dog Sophie has cancer all in her lungs. The vet suggested she be put down within days. My little sister is 6 hours away at school but is coming home next week for Fall break, so hopefully we can wait until then to put her down. But I found out this news right after therapy and I was just in shock and felt sick and didn't want to talk about it AT ALL but my mom made me listen to her talk. It really sucks and I know some people are like, "well it's just a dog" but I have such close bonds with pets and it's really painful to lose one. I called my therapist right away, I didn't realize I had interrupted her in a session so I felt really bad but she said it was okay. This just sucks, all of it.

Anyway, I don't feel like I'm making much sense. And I see my RD in the morning so I better get some rest.

My weekend was really great. I basically had very little human contact with anyone, it was just me and my dog. I stayed over at my parent's house while they went to visit my sister down at college for family weekend. I slept in, but not too late. I took relaxing bubble bath, I went to the library to get some new books to read, I watched old episodes of Grey's Anatomy. On Saturday, I did really well with food. I got a big salad from Panera for lunch and big bowl of soup from there too for dinner. It felt good to feed myself and nourish myself. I felt so much better physically.

I noticed that I have been pretty unemotional lately. Which is pretty uncommon for me. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I will cry if I see or hear something that upsets me or is touching. When it comes to my trauma and grief, it's been a long road of allowing myself to feel and express the emotions I have. But I have been making good progress. But I haven't cried in a couple of weeks, with the exception of a couple of times. I don't like not feeling emotional. Obviously I don't like being overly emotional either. But being numb is kind of the worst feeling ever in my experience. And being numb scares me because then it's like I don't feel like I'm aware of the reality of what's going on in my life and I tend to fall into some denial.

I hate that it's Sunday night and I can feel the tension in my back and shoulders about the upcoming week already. It will be awesome to have my therapist back in town though. SO much to talk about with her. Hopefully I can make more progress with getting back on track with eating. I see my dietitian on Wednesday. Yikes.

Right now my brain feels pretty empty.

As awful as my dietitian appointment was yesterday, it did sort of motivate me. I ended up the best I have in a week yesterday. It freaked me out last night though. And I don't know if that subconsiously carried over to today. I had my usual Diet Coke this morning when I got to work, choosing not to have a caloric beverage like my RD insisted on. I felt maybe a teeny tiny amount of hunger, but not enough that I felt like I wanted to order lunch. I drove to the grocery store after work and bought a couple of those Naked juice drinks, which my RD recommended. I'm trying to drink one right now. I'm like almost half way through. Drinking liquid should not be this hard. Like really, it should not be. I keep looking at the calories and freaking out. I'm trying to eat some almonds right now too. But I just don't feel a physical hunger. The thought of getting my hunger back scares me because I just want so badly to lose weight. I should try and lost it in a healthy way, with balanced meals and exercise. But with work, I'm too tired to exercise and there's not enough time. Choosing the ED is always a sure way to lose weight. But now I just feel like since I gained SO much weight the past couple of years, I just want it off of me. I just want this extra weight to be gone and I don't care how I lose it.

I am going over to my parent's house for dinner. And I'm really going to try hard and eat. I sense that lately my mom has picked up on my eating habits and the last thing I need is her on my case. I have to email my dietitian at the end of today too to check in with my intake and everything. She responded to my email last night saying she called my therapist and left a message. So I will have to deal with that mess when I see my therapist next week. My therapist and I typically do not talk about my ED that much. Which I actually prefer because it just frustrates me to talk about my ED in therapy. But my dietitian keeps saying how concerned she is and that's why she called my therapist. Ughhh.

I don't get it. Why am I struggling? I gave myself permission to put up some boundaries when it comes to dealing with trauma issues. Work is getting easier, sort of. It's been hard having my therapist out of town, but I'm dealing. So, I don't know what this is. My head just feels full of feelings though. I know what I'm feeling, but I'm not sure why.

I feel like crying.

I was able to have a Carnation Instant Breakfast with milk today, and when I got home from work tonight I was able to eat some dinner. Today was the most calories I have had in a week or so. At first it felt good to eat, to fill my stomach. It was like a relief. But now I'm sitting with it in my stomach and it's really uncomfortable and it's making me anxious and making me think of purging. But I won't do that. That's a fast track to a rock bottom for me. I can't give in to those urges.

I don't really like understand what's going on with me. I know my anxiety has been much higher lately due to all of the trauma work I have been doing. Especially in the past few weeks, I have been talking about some really intense trauma related issues. That's why when I saw my therapist yesterday I told her up front that I didn't want to talk about them in our session. I have been not handling the new and more intense information well. I have been dissociating again, and I have not felt grounded at all. It does make me anxious that my therapist is gone the rest of this week, as I usually see her twice a week. But I know I can make it. She's just the ONLY one who gets what is going on in my head.

I need to get myself back on track nutritionally but it feels really scary because I just feels like a gross person when I eat. I think about it way too much. It matters too much to me. I'm so concerned with my appearance. My weight is always the thing I'm most worried about, because it's so much higher than I ever, ever, ever thought it would be. But I have a lot of insecurities and people keep telling me that those who care about me don't care what I look like. But it matters to ME what I look like.

I just feel panic. I want to talk to my therapist.

New blog, first post

I just came from my dietitian, and I’m fucked. She wants to call my therapist (who is out of the office this week so I don’t see the point). But, basically she’s concerned about my lack of fluid intake, my lack of nutritional intake, and me being lethargic/having no energy. I just didn’t know what to say. Whenever I get like this, she always tells me how it’s just a matter of time before I lose my job and will have to re-enter treatment. Somehow I always am able to pull myself together and start being healthy again. Right now, I just don’t really care. The sight, smell, and thought of food scares me. It actually makes me want to cry. My hunger cues are fucked up. And my RD thinks my thirst cues are fucked up too. Her goal for me this week is to add more caloric fluids. I guess I can do that. All I see in my head is, calories, calories, calories. The phobia I have of the smells of food entering my body as calories is ridiculous, I know. But it feels real. 

The thing is, my dietitian didn’t even weigh me. Which kind of pissed me off because in my head I’m thinking, “well I must look as huge as ever so why is it such a big deal that I’m starving myself? But I do feel like shit. No energy, can barely keep my eyes open. 

I wish I cared more. I wish I could back on track with the snap of my fingers. I refuse to believe that I could lose my job over this. Sometimes I think my RD just says that as a scare tactic. Even though I actually have lost my job before from my eating disorder. 

I’m under strict instruction to email her every day with my food and fluid intake. I hate taking food journals. I don’t like other people knowing what I’m eating. 

I guess I will go drink some carnation instant breakfast (gross), because I do have work tonight.