I was able to have a Carnation Instant Breakfast with milk today, and when I got home from work tonight I was able to eat some dinner. Today was the most calories I have had in a week or so. At first it felt good to eat, to fill my stomach. It was like a relief. But now I'm sitting with it in my stomach and it's really uncomfortable and it's making me anxious and making me think of purging. But I won't do that. That's a fast track to a rock bottom for me. I can't give in to those urges.

I don't really like understand what's going on with me. I know my anxiety has been much higher lately due to all of the trauma work I have been doing. Especially in the past few weeks, I have been talking about some really intense trauma related issues. That's why when I saw my therapist yesterday I told her up front that I didn't want to talk about them in our session. I have been not handling the new and more intense information well. I have been dissociating again, and I have not felt grounded at all. It does make me anxious that my therapist is gone the rest of this week, as I usually see her twice a week. But I know I can make it. She's just the ONLY one who gets what is going on in my head.

I need to get myself back on track nutritionally but it feels really scary because I just feels like a gross person when I eat. I think about it way too much. It matters too much to me. I'm so concerned with my appearance. My weight is always the thing I'm most worried about, because it's so much higher than I ever, ever, ever thought it would be. But I have a lot of insecurities and people keep telling me that those who care about me don't care what I look like. But it matters to ME what I look like.

I just feel panic. I want to talk to my therapist.