Ugh, this could be an epic post.

Well I will start with how therapy went today. I was angry going into the session, because she had communicated with my dietitian and they were both "very concerned" about me. I shared with her my anger and frustration and I was able to explain to her what really has been going on. And that the main reason I had such a hard time eating was because of stress and being shut down emotionally. I told her I have been eating so, so much better in the past couple of days. And she said she was just glad I was taking care of myself better.
We talked more about my anger and it got really frustrating because I knew what I was angry about, but I couldn't express it to her. I didn't have the words. She asked if I could draw it or give it a color, but I couldn't do that either. So she had me stand up and press on her hands, (like I've done many times before to release negative energy) and I just pushed so, so hard. And she kept reminding me to breathe and I did and eventually it passed. But afterwards my entire body went numb and it was super scary. I tried to get grounded but it wasn't working. Eventually my therapist got me grounded again, but then I started to cry, mostly because it was such a scary experience. She suggested I go home and journal but I just didn't want to think about it.

I've been numbing myself a lot lately. Which is weird because I HATE being numb. But I feel like it's been sort of a self-protection skill for me. It feels weird and I don't feel myself, but I can function better that way.

Today I found out my sweet precious and loving dog Sophie has cancer all in her lungs. The vet suggested she be put down within days. My little sister is 6 hours away at school but is coming home next week for Fall break, so hopefully we can wait until then to put her down. But I found out this news right after therapy and I was just in shock and felt sick and didn't want to talk about it AT ALL but my mom made me listen to her talk. It really sucks and I know some people are like, "well it's just a dog" but I have such close bonds with pets and it's really painful to lose one. I called my therapist right away, I didn't realize I had interrupted her in a session so I felt really bad but she said it was okay. This just sucks, all of it.

Anyway, I don't feel like I'm making much sense. And I see my RD in the morning so I better get some rest.