I just came from my dietitian, and I’m fucked. She wants to call my therapist (who is out of the office this week so I don’t see the point). But, basically she’s concerned about my lack of fluid intake, my lack of nutritional intake, and me being lethargic/having no energy. I just didn’t know what to say. Whenever I get like this, she always tells me how it’s just a matter of time before I lose my job and will have to re-enter treatment. Somehow I always am able to pull myself together and start being healthy again. Right now, I just don’t really care. The sight, smell, and thought of food scares me. It actually makes me want to cry. My hunger cues are fucked up. And my RD thinks my thirst cues are fucked up too. Her goal for me this week is to add more caloric fluids. I guess I can do that. All I see in my head is, calories, calories, calories. The phobia I have of the smells of food entering my body as calories is ridiculous, I know. But it feels real.
The thing is, my dietitian didn’t even weigh me. Which kind of pissed me off because in my head I’m thinking, “well I must look as huge as ever so why is it such a big deal that I’m starving myself? But I do feel like shit. No energy, can barely keep my eyes open.
I wish I cared more. I wish I could back on track with the snap of my fingers. I refuse to believe that I could lose my job over this. Sometimes I think my RD just says that as a scare tactic. Even though I actually have lost my job before from my eating disorder.
I’m under strict instruction to email her every day with my food and fluid intake. I hate taking food journals. I don’t like other people knowing what I’m eating.
I guess I will go drink some carnation instant breakfast (gross), because I do have work tonight.
i'm sorry you're struggling so much.
ReplyDeleteas far as feeling like you can inhale calories through smelling, i don't know how much of my blog you've read, but that fear completely paralyzed me during the months before i went to acute. i wouldn't even leave my room because i was so scared of smelling/being around food. and i know that no matter how much people will try to convince you that it doesn't work that way, and despite the fact that to a certain extent you know it can't really work like that, it feels so so real. and it's terrifying. you aren't crazy. you're just starving. and it's hard (impossible, really) to think clearly when you're starving. everything just feels really scary and overwhelming.
i wish i could take it away for you/make it easier, but obviously i can't. and i'm with you as far as wishing that getting back on track was as simple as just snapping your fingers. that'd be nice. unfortunately, it's going to take a lot more work and dedication than that.
i really do believe that you can do it though. you're really an incredibly strong and resilient person. keep pushing yourself forward, even when it feels like shit.
know that i'm always here for you. <3
rachel, i'd really like to read your blog...i've loved your writing and honesty for years!
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