As awful as my dietitian appointment was yesterday, it did sort of motivate me. I ended up the best I have in a week yesterday. It freaked me out last night though. And I don't know if that subconsiously carried over to today. I had my usual Diet Coke this morning when I got to work, choosing not to have a caloric beverage like my RD insisted on. I felt maybe a teeny tiny amount of hunger, but not enough that I felt like I wanted to order lunch. I drove to the grocery store after work and bought a couple of those Naked juice drinks, which my RD recommended. I'm trying to drink one right now. I'm like almost half way through. Drinking liquid should not be this hard. Like really, it should not be. I keep looking at the calories and freaking out. I'm trying to eat some almonds right now too. But I just don't feel a physical hunger. The thought of getting my hunger back scares me because I just want so badly to lose weight. I should try and lost it in a healthy way, with balanced meals and exercise. But with work, I'm too tired to exercise and there's not enough time. Choosing the ED is always a sure way to lose weight. But now I just feel like since I gained SO much weight the past couple of years, I just want it off of me. I just want this extra weight to be gone and I don't care how I lose it.

I am going over to my parent's house for dinner. And I'm really going to try hard and eat. I sense that lately my mom has picked up on my eating habits and the last thing I need is her on my case. I have to email my dietitian at the end of today too to check in with my intake and everything. She responded to my email last night saying she called my therapist and left a message. So I will have to deal with that mess when I see my therapist next week. My therapist and I typically do not talk about my ED that much. Which I actually prefer because it just frustrates me to talk about my ED in therapy. But my dietitian keeps saying how concerned she is and that's why she called my therapist. Ughhh.

I don't get it. Why am I struggling? I gave myself permission to put up some boundaries when it comes to dealing with trauma issues. Work is getting easier, sort of. It's been hard having my therapist out of town, but I'm dealing. So, I don't know what this is. My head just feels full of feelings though. I know what I'm feeling, but I'm not sure why.

I feel like crying.