Maybe it's just that my head is foggy because my dog died yesterday. Maybe because it's Friday and I'm emotionally spent. Maybe because I'm very anxious and scared about my therapist being gone for two weeks.

But I feel full of hopelessness and confusion. I feel like I'm going to die. I don't know how and I don't know when, or if at all. It's just what I feel. I don't feel safe. I'm scared someone could hurt me at any moment. I'm not suicidal. But I do think about death. I do think about hurting myself, it comes and it goes.  I think maybe dying young is what's in my future. My future, one of the scariest things to think about. It feels hopeless and empty. I don't see my life progressing any more than it already has. I have always felt that I will be stuck inside this life of mental health issues and chaos. No that's not what I want. But I don't know what else could be out there that I'm meant for.  When my dog died, I wished that I could have gone with her.

I feel like I'm in this empty room, but it's full of noise. Thoughts, memories, sounds, smells, voices, music, et. I'm incapable of escaping. It fills my chest with panic. I feel like this a lot of the time. In the middle of the room is a black cloud where all of the abuse happens. It never goes away. And I'm alone in it.

I feel this need and ache to hold onto someone or something that won't pull away, that won't let go. Something that will hold onto me too and won't leave unless I ask it to. It feels like someone is squeezing my heart or pulling on it. It's the deepest, saddest feeling I have ever experienced. The sinking feeling I get that I am not enough but too much is all a part of it.

I feel tremendous anxiety when I think of myself. I want to become someone new. I loathe who I am and what I look like. I frustrate and anger myself.

I keep thinking the pain and anguish of my abuse is fading away, but on some days it comes flooding back and knocks me down hard. How will I ever not feel so much pain and sadness? It feels like it will take a lifetime to let it go.